A baby is born with a need to be loved...

And never outgrows it. -Frank A. Clark

I've never been great at grasping the concept of love. Something unearned, I couldn't do anything to encourage people to share it with me, and I certainly couldn't demand it. So, I've never been great at receiving it.

Which has, at times, made for a very lonely existence. Albeit, there were times when I wanted that loneliness- having people too close would have meant that they'd ask questions and figure out what was going on inside of me, and Lord knows I didn't want that- but as I've been growing it's become more and more obvious that I was not meant to exist that way.

For a while now I've been dealing with being pretty much all the time, whether I was in a large group or alone. I just couldn't seem to break through that barrier. I'd be sitting on the couch with Sarah and hannaHRose and feel like there was a foot thick glass wall between us.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I knew I needed to get out of the house. And I didn't care where it was. I made an attempt to get Sarah and hannaHRose to go with me, but their interest level was pretty near floor level... And so I resigned myself to staying in the house for the day.

As I sat on the couch with my computer, though, I could feel God tugging at my heart to be alone with him. Actually, not just tugging... It was a yanking. Bad enough that I was halfway down the steps and headed out the door before I realized I had better put some clothes on instead of going out in my PJs.

As I was driving around sobbing and asking God why the heck I was going through this, I passed by a property near our house that has been entirely taken over by kudzu.

Kudzu has been called the "vine that ate the south". It's also been called various other expletives by the people around here who have had to deal with it on their properties, but all it really is is a climbing vine. It grows a foot a day and, when left unchecked, will grow out of control. And once its taken over, it is a long term project to get rid of it... And even once you do, you're back to the daily maintenance thing.

As I passed by this property, I had the revelation of how similar the kudzu is to the loneliness in my life. When I choose to wallow in it and isolate myself from the people reaching out to me, it is allowed to take over... And once it's taken over, it can be a fight to regain all the ground lost.

I eventually made it up to a room that our church has set up for us to be alone, and after my alone time, talked to Rebecca about it for a while. She informed me that there used to be a sign in that yard that said "Trust God" that the kudzu refused to grow over. A reminder that, when I'm trusting in God, nothing else can take over my heart except Him.

I went back today to take pictures, and the sign is no longer there, but I did still get some pretty awesome shots:

The barn

View from across the way, at East Laporte

When I talked to Kanz about it, she pointed out something else. Kudzu is not native to the United States, it is native to Japan and China. It was brought here illegally.

Loneliness is not of God- it was brought into my life "illegally" and is not welcome.

And, it doesn't have to be a long term project. He's got big enough muscles to pull it out by the root and have it gone :)

"Before you know it,

A sense of God's wholeness, of everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:7, the Message)

I think every Christian has "that thing", "that person", "that" part of their past that made, or makes them, think about rejecting Christianity.

Mine was Grace Community Church (name changed for health, grace, and safety...). GCC was the first place my parents had felt accepted in a while, and honestly, I felt accepted there too- for a long time. Our entire family was involved in ministry, my parents had places of leadership, things seemed to fit together.

But there were a lot of disconnects... Places that I saw the leaders of GCC say they were moving in the Spirit, or things that they claimed were being done or heard from God, but weren't being blessed by God, or actually being done.

My family ended up hurt and escaping the whole situation, stopping only to lick our wounds before moving further away.

I rejected everything I had learned at GCC- speaking in tongues, the prophetic, healing ministry, hugs, receiving love, giving love. Everything in the world of the church I had grown up in, had ever been taught about ministry and the spiritual realm and the ways God works.

God, and His awesomeness and power and the things He can do, had become something to fear, not something to anticipate.

I struggled through YWAM as people prayed over me in tongues, encouraged me to discover my spiritual gifts, and seemed to ignore my hurts. I was still licking my wounds, and everyone was telling me to get over them- now, and fast.

I remember one time, specifically, when I felt attacked by those who were supposed to be my supporters. The teacher of the week had us in our small groups, and those who didn't have the gift of praying in tongues were supposed to be receiving prayer from those who did have said gift. Problem was, I didn't want it. I didn't want to touch it with a 22 1/2 foot pole, let alone think about letting it near me.

My small group was very receptive and tried to be compassionate towards the situation, but I still stood there with my arms folded across my chest as they prayed that my heart would get to the point where I could forgive and thus move in the gifts of the spirit.

I was recently at a ministry opportunity where we were in a large group, a corporate worship and prayer session. We were singing the chorus to this one song over and over again, something about being set free. I was standing there, for once actually worshiping instead of watching everyone else and wondering what I was "supposed" to be doing, and I remember thinking, "I am free."

I hadn't decided as I walked into that meeting that I wanted to speak in tongues, I hadn't planned to ask God for that, I did not choose to speak in tongues that evening. But as I stood there, in total peace with God, the words I was singing were no longer English. I caught a glimpse of the healing God had planned for me, the redemption He had waiting.

In the months that have passed since then, I haven't actively pursued that redemption, but I knew it was lurking. I meditated on Joel 2:25-26 ("Then, I will make up to you the years the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, my great army which I have sent among you. You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you; then my people will never be put to shame.") and prayed for the day when shame wouldn't be what ruled my days, but rather the peace and comfort of a loving church family, where I could be myself in my skin, instead of trying to fill the mold I felt placed in front of me.

And I still have my misconceptions and my concerns over the supernatural.

When I started attending our house church, 24/7 church, I had the same experience I've had with churches for the last 3 years- I can settle... After a long while. So I walk in and I check over my shoulder, am on guard for the whole time. After I've been somewhere for a couple meetings, if I like what's going on, I can generally settle down towards the end of a meeting- but I'm still anxious at the beginning.

That was the experience I was having at 24/7 church. I was feeling accepted, and I knew I was welcome. I knew that these were people I could trust, and I knew that they were following the spirit of God. But I didn't really buy that I would ever feel safe there.

This evening, however, I walked in and settled in. I didn't notice- not right away. But as we were worshiping, I journaled:

"Tonight has been one of the first times in years where I've walked into a "church" setting anxiety-free, without doubting if what I was going to find once inside was going to eat me alive. I'm sure that it is partially the people and the place... But I'm almost sure that it's partially me, simply being able to be somewhere, not constantly looking over my shoulder, double checking and super over analyzing. God's got my back, I just have to keep walking forward."

And then the teaching started. And beautiful words about the purpose of prophesy and church and their intended purposes, and our goals in relationships, and the meaning of scripture poured over my ears, and I fell back into old habits- I briefly considered bolting from the room. Although I don't know where I would have gone- we were in the mountains and there's no cell reception. Also, I'm the least wilderness-survival-preparedness-knowledgeable person there is, so there goes that.

I decided I'd wait it out and see how it went. And then we flipped in our Bibles to Joel 2:25-26.

And I settled.

God speaks to me through scripture, apparently, and I've seen this multiple times since my move to the mountains- in the Jeremiah 29:11 thing, and now in this.

I think because scripture is concrete- I can mark it up and come back to it later and it's exactly where it was before, saying exactly the same thing.

But it's also changing. Scripture can mean something totally different when I read it one time than it is another, based on my life circumstance or the teaching being paired with it.

It's like stars on a stormy night. Earlier, hannaHRose and I (eventually joined by Sarah) went out and laid in the driveway. There were only two stars (one of them might have been an airplane) but they were so beautiful. I might not have ever noticed those two stars on any other night, but tonight, because they were perfectly framed by the clouds and dark sky, they were the most beautiful stars I've ever seen.

I'm sick and a little foggy, still, but one thing I know is true:

I have lasted the night, come out of the desert having not just survived, but thrived.

It is a new day's dawn. And it was worth the fight.

Integrity is built over years...

But lost in an instant. -Cameron Strang, Relevant Magazine Jan/Feb 2011

I'm not sure I've ever grasped what true, unconditional love is. People have tried to show me, and I've rejected it.

Until I moved to the mountains, that is.

Here, people expect me to tell them when I'm mad, instead of just pretending that it's okay. And they even still like me afterwards. When they ask a question, they expect to have it answered- honestly.

Its just one of the ways God has been showing me the beauty of life and the world that He's put me in. Where I can do ministry without being terrified because if I crash and burn, I can just get back up and do it again.

Because I wasn't able to go away with hannaHRose and Sarah this weekend, Kans made it her goal to make sure I was semi-happy and to do fun things with me. We lucked out in that it was a beautiful weekend, so we spent it trying to find fun and free things to do that were out of doors.

I've said it before, but I'm just starting to get to know Kans... Which is sad, but awesome at the same time, because it IS finally happening. We've started walking around campus together in the evenings under the guise of "exercise"... It is more of an excuse to get out of the house and talk. Which we did... For almost an hour and a half last night. Then today we packed up picnic lunches and went for a hike... Which ended up being more of a drive, but was an adventure anyway.

It was too sunny for me to be able to see the display on my camera, so I didn't know how my pictures turned out until I got home... But I learned today that I don't have to have a plan or be able to spend money in order to have fun. Roaming around Cashiers was awesome... (A fact that was compounded by the almost 70 degree weather and not getting carsick.)

I had a kind of overly protected childhood... Like, I don't think I've ever climbed a tree or jumped off of a swing. So as I waded across the creek, I could hear my mom's voice in my head, telling me I should turn back because I could slip or a rock could shift... And I ignored it. I realized, I am my own person, and I do not have to relive the stresses that my mother grew up with and raised me with. Stress is not meant to be a daily part of my life, but rather something I pity other people for having.

When I got home, I realized my pics were gorgeous.

God gave us this gorgeous world to live in, and we stay sheltered away in one little section of it, forgetting about all the beauty that exists right outside of our comfort zones.

At church tonight, I was fussing about not having a plan for my life... But the point is not that I'm waiting, but that God is waiting with me. Waiting is never as bad when you have company as it is when you're by yourself. When you have company, it can even be fun.

So, I may be stuck at this bus stop for a while, the train may be late, or the pilot is still snoozing because he got in late last night. But while I'm waiting, I can waltz with God, share a joke with Jesus, or just make a memory with my Savior.

I think it'll be worth it, in the end.

For some, pleasure is a fever they can't shake.

For others, it's a disease they cannot seem to catch. -Terri Guillemets

On Saturday, hannaHRose, Sarah and I went to an EleventySeven concert. Personally, I think EleventySeven is one of the best things ever... The music isn't your run of the mill "rock" band, and their lyrics crack me up. (They have a song making fun of Edward Cullen/Twilight, one about being an Evil Genius, one about how someone's life cannot be summed up on myspace, etc.)

One of my favorite things about EleventySeven, however, is that they cannot be put in a box. hannaHRose describes them as "pop punk teenie bopper music". Sarah and I had never seen them live before, and she warned us to expect a bunch of 14 year old girls swooning over the lead singer.

Apparently most of their fans have grown up with them, because a lot of the "crowd" (which wasn't really a crowd, but more of a gathering) was around our age.

As the opening bands played, and then as EleventySeven started their set, I began to notice something.

Everyone was so serious. Very few people seemed to be outwardly enjoying the experience. You know, bands would be trying to get people to clap along or jump or whatever, and people were standing there like dead things with legs.

(I should admit that I do not tend to participate in the jumping... There's something about being a pogo stick in the middle of a big group of people that doesn't appeal to me.)

But here's what I can't figure out: why wasn't anyone seeming to have fun?

I can see only two reasons to look miserable at a show:
a.) You honestly don't enjoy the music... In which case, why are you there?
or b.) You are taking yourself too seriously to look "like a fool".

Now, we weren't the most enthusiastic of fans (I mean, I enjoy EleventySeven, but this wasn't a Demon Hunter show...), but other than a 15 year old girl who was swooning at Matt's feet, we were the most animated bunch there.

A few years ago, I hated anything that made me look mildly out of place. Standard wardrobe: blue jeans (not too light or too dark, mind you), sneakers, a plain colored t-shirt, and a ponytail. I used the same words as everyone else (forget about the larger vocabulary I had... I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was just like them). And I was a closet Christian.

I don't know if it's because I'm closer to God, if it's because I'm more comfortable in my own skin then I've ever been, or if it's because I'm living in a place where everyone is a little zany or off the map (I was amused to have been planning this all day only to come home and find that Kanz had written about her individuality), but I can't stand being the same anymore.

My weekend plans involve going to Asheville with Kanz wearing an apron and possibly hot pink rubber gloves... And I'm actually quite excited.

The point of being a Christian is to be set apart, called to something bigger than the rest of the world. This may not mean looking different appearance wise for everyone... But our actions and words should be telling the story of a different lifestyle and internal dialogue.

Besides... Painting the world a rainbow is more fun than slapping on various shades of beige. Even if it is the most appropriate outfit in the office.

Nothing encourages creativity...

Like the chance to fall flat on one's face. -James D. Finley

 I've discovered what my problem is.


I do a project, and it turns out AWESOME... And then I get ambitious, and I do things that are too hard without any transition, and then I want to shoot my life in its face.


Being snowed in leaves lots of time for crafting. And we've had plenty of it, thanks to about 6 inches of snow and a layer of ice underneath of it- also, us not possessing a shovel. (We should work on that before the next storm, eh?)


This weekend, I was on a bit of a recycled kick, so I made a wallet out of an old milk carton. Which was actually super awesome. I attached a bit of ribbon and felt very clever and creative.

The lid twists off in order to open it.

Then Monday was sewing day, part one at the House O' Bricks. I finished my t-shirt quilt (there will be no pictures of this, since it's kind of the ugliest thing ever.... But awesome anyway.). Then, Monday night, I burned a notebook that had some stuff I have been dealing with in it, and it needed to go away.


Tuesday morning, I woke up and thought "I have a brilliant idea." I went down to the fire and pulled the spiral from the notebook out of the ashes, then twisted it into my new purity ring- which is pretty bangin', if you ask me.


This is where my head started to get big. And so I thought, ohhh, I'm going to make this super awesome flower thing out of newspaper. (Thanks, Kans, for showing me the recycled origami book. I might blame this one on you in the future.) It was a pain in my butt, and I got super annoyed, but I made it the whole way through... And then the darn thing didn't even look like a flower, it just looked like a pinwheel.


I was pissed. Also, Kans' project wasn't working correctly, so she was annoyed too... I decided to quit crafting for the day and just laugh at Kans.


Eventually, Sarah started altering some of her dresses, which meant that I got to help pin them. No big deal.


Until hannaHRose wanted a dress altered, too.


See, hannaHRose is super stressed about being poked with pins. So every time my hand got near her, she would say "Don't poke me." I heard it like, 6 times. It was obnoxious, even though I understand the concern.


I ended up poking myself like, 13987 times in order to make sure hannaHRose didn't get poked. And then her dress required re-pinning and adjusting and was just a general obnoxious pain.


I woke up this morning cranky. I don't know if it was left overs from last night, or being stuck in for 3 days, or what the issue was, but I snapped at Sarah basically the instant she came downstairs. And then I realized I was being super lame.


hannaHRose managed to get her tank out, and when we got home, I started a new project- a crochet pig. It's actually kind of cute.


We moved all the cars today, and hopefully I'll be able to get to work tomorrow... But I was thinking about it, and when I get stuck somewhere, or things aren't going exactly the right way, I seem to revert to "Life sucks."


And really, that's not it. I think sometimes we have good days and we have bad days, but when my outlook on life is "Life sucks", then I'm never going to have a good day.




Pretty good for a brain full of snot.

So that's where peanut butter comes from.

So often we do things that make sense to us...

And then ask God to come alongside our plans, rather than looking at the things God promises to bless and acting alongside of them. We know that God's blessing will follow if we are with the poor, the merciful, the hungry, the persecuted, the peacemakers. But sometimes we'd rather have a God who conforms with our logic than conform our logic to the God whose wisdom is a stumbling block to the world of smart bombs and military intelligence. -Shane Claiborne, Jesus for President

I've never been someone who stays up late. I actually used to sleep about 14 hours a day, only being awake for school and to eat dinner and do homework in the evenings. Since moving to the House O' Bricks, however, I have become quite the night owl- either because that's when I see my roommates, or just because I have discovered how productive I am in the dark hours when normal people are sleeping.

So, when New Year's Eve rolled around this year, I knew that it would be one of the first years when it would not be a struggle to stay awake and welcome in the new year. (Last year, my family and I were traveling to Texas and were staying in a hotel in Houston on New Year's Eve... We all went to bed about 10 PM.) I was kind of looking forward to it, even though we didn't have any big plans.

We ended up having absolutely no plans, actually. hannaHRose went for a drive, and Swah and I watched Treasure Planet. Then Kans joined the party, and we all went out in the driveway and threw dinky little fireworks and got scared that hannaHRose was going to light herself on fire.

hannaHRose and Sarah had plans on new year's day, and I wasn't invited. Which is fine, because it wasn't with my friends, but my automatic feeling is rejection. It's actually kind of retarded. People do something, and instead of finding something to do, I default to feeling rejected and left out, which puts me in a bad mood and then makes everyone miserable.

So, I was going to sit at the house and pout all day, knowing that it was a horrible start to my new year, but hey... I felt validated.

I was sitting in the living room, feeling kind of pathetic about my life and having no motivation to do anything. I hadn't done my chore for the week yet, the living room was filthy, and my computer had stopped working. I hadn't showered in a few days, my laundry needed done, my room needed cleaned... And I just wanted to mope and hope that someone would do it for me.

hannaHRose (an enthusiastic ball of energy on this particular morning, much to my dismay) and Sarah left to go hang out with their friends, and I curled up on the couch... Only to have the realization that I had to get out of the house. I could not continue to be a brat about this. I have a life, and it is separate from my roommates, even if they do exist in it.

It had been raining for several hours at this point, and I thought I'd go down to the river and watch it rush past and listen to the rain and have a chat with God. I grabbed a notebook and my pens and markers and got in the car.

Well, Mrs. Cleaver is kind of a gas sucker. Which meant that after I got about 5 minutes down the road and and hadn't found the river yet, and wasn't sure how much further it was, I decided that this was dumb and I should just go home.

As I turned onto campus though, I realized... I hadn't dealt with what was going on inside of me yet. And it wasn't going to happen at home.

I pulled into a parking lot, turned the car off, and watched as the rain pounded the windshield. And I cried. For the first time in several months. And it was ugly.

Now, when I cry, it isn't just a few tears and a one tissue blow my nose and throw it away kind of deal. It is a red rimmed eyes that are all puffy the next morning, whole box of tissues next to me but it's coming too fast to even deal with that and so I just use my sleeves and then gross myself out, disgusting, horrifying, rare event. And I had one of those.

As I talked to God, all of the things about me that drive me crazy started coming to mind. And so I thought, Well, instead of resolutions, I'll make a list of life changes.

And so I did.

I didn't want it to be a list of things that I thought about for a little while and then forgot, feeling bad about the whole situation later. And I definitely didn't want to put a cap on it.

And so "The Top ___ of 2011 (an open-ended list)" was born. It contains things such as:
4.: Learn to do something new once a month. This does not mean perfecting or even enjoying it, but at least giving something out of the ordinary a try.
14.: Have an opinion.
2.: Believe the things God has promised me will come to be.

Etc. After writing for a while, I started feeling better and was able to come back to the house. I wasn't really glad that it had happened, but it had, and I came home and was able to be productive.

Around 5:00, I was changing a load of laundry over to the dryer and noticed that the neighbors were standing on their back porch. I was intrigued and walked out on our driveway.



I have never been one to just get in the car and drive. It just seems dumb. It's a waste of gas, a waste of time, a waste of money, and, it's pointless. But I hopped in Mrs. Cleaver (I didn't even grab my cell phone, which was super weird) and I drove. Kans had given me a general heading for the airport, and the GPS found it right as I had to turn.

I drove up these insane twisty roads that you have to go like, 5 MPH on, and the higher I got into the mountains, the more I remembered how much God loved and cared for me.

I eventually stopped at an overlook from which I could see campus, our house, and, well, most of Cullowhee. As the sun set, I started crying again (twice in one day. Whew. That's more than that happens in a month, normally!).

I got home, then the roommates did, and then our friends came over. And honestly, it was one of the best nights of socialization I've had in a long time. Instead of being constantly worried about what everyone else was thinking of me, I felt free to actually be who me was.

I've realized that God did not intend for me to feel rejected; and that the things that God doesn't intend for me are not things that I should accept.

The list is posted next to my bed, and it still kind of pisses me off every time I see it. I don't like the things that I'm asking myself to do, but I'm trusting that it'll help me out in the end.

Also, I'm praying that my life gets less serious soon, because I'm tired of only writing about Jesus things. And because it's stressful. And kind of dull.

I thought maybe if I made it colorful I'd hate it less.