Wednesday, February 9, 2011

When troubles call, and your back's against the wall...

There's a lot to be learned, that wall could fall.
Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he'd punch a whole in a dam
No one could tell that ram, scram
He kept buttin' that dam
Because he had hi-igh hopes, way up in the sky-y hopes
He had apple pi-ie, in the sky-y hopes... -High Hopes by Frank Sinantra (???)

First- I had no idea that song was by Frank Sinatra. Strange...

Second, have you ever been around someone who is holding on to false hopes, even though they know it's irrational?

Sometimes it's hilarious... We're forecasted to get 1 to 3 inches of snow tonight. When Kans and I started taking our walk tonight, the snow had already started to stick to the grass and the road a little bit. When we got home, I looked at the radar- we are covered in this big blue blotch for the next 6 hours. And past that, because there's still blue above us when the 6 hours ends.

And yet, Kans is convinced that she is going to go to school tomorrow. She's headed to bed at her normal time in hopes that she'll have to get up, drink coffee, and go to school at a normal time tomorrow.

There's 1/2 an inch of snow already, and it's only been snowing a couple hours.

Sometimes, though, people's delusions suck. Like the fact that I still hope that magic money is going to appear for college, even as I budget and save money from every paycheck for it.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider also had delusions of grandeur (or of just making it up the water spout).
If Kans does go to school tomorrow, I'm going to feel badly for saying all this... However, when I wake up tomorrow morning and she is sitting in our living room drinking coffee and being cranky at some art project, I'm going to say "I told you so."

(Kans, that last paragraph may have been written expressly for you.)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"Either God isn't personal and I've wasted my time...

Or He is personal and He hates me." "There's a third option- God loves you, but shitty things still happen." -Angry Conversations with God by Susan E. Isaacs

I've been in the habit recently of saying that I'm engaged to Jesus. I know I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now because a.) the opportunity hasn't presented itself and b.) Jesus would tell me if I was supposed to be with someone. Especially who.

But if I was engaged to Jesus, He would have my whole heart. And the thing is, He doesn't.

It's like I've given Jesus all of my heart except this one tiny little black dot that is the no-Jesus zone. That is the dark, hidden corner where I like to hide and cry and pretend no one else exists.

Every so often, I let Jesus in for a little bit- but then I realize He's a horrible tenant. He tries to come in and fix the place up, but I like it a grungy nasty shithole- if it's cleaned up and repainted, I'll have to charge more for rent and pay attention to upkeep, and I'm not that dedicated. So I kick him to the curb (again) and pretend not to feel guilty as he walks down the sidewalk, dejected and kicking a soda can. And I vow to never let Him in again, because it's too much trouble and heartache, and it's longer and longer between when He comes looking for a room again.

I can't really be engaged to Jesus until I let Him have my whole heart- no little tiny dark bits hidden. And it's not worth it pretending that He does have it...

Also, Jesus is not a horrible tenant- I'm just a horrible landlord.