I've never been great at grasping the concept of love. Something unearned, I couldn't do anything to encourage people to share it with me, and I certainly couldn't demand it. So, I've never been great at receiving it.
Which has, at times, made for a very lonely existence. Albeit, there were times when I wanted that loneliness- having people too close would have meant that they'd ask questions and figure out what was going on inside of me, and Lord knows I didn't want that- but as I've been growing it's become more and more obvious that I was not meant to exist that way.
For a while now I've been dealing with being pretty much all the time, whether I was in a large group or alone. I just couldn't seem to break through that barrier. I'd be sitting on the couch with Sarah and hannaHRose and feel like there was a foot thick glass wall between us.
When I woke up Sunday morning, I knew I needed to get out of the house. And I didn't care where it was. I made an attempt to get Sarah and hannaHRose to go with me, but their interest level was pretty near floor level... And so I resigned myself to staying in the house for the day.
As I sat on the couch with my computer, though, I could feel God tugging at my heart to be alone with him. Actually, not just tugging... It was a yanking. Bad enough that I was halfway down the steps and headed out the door before I realized I had better put some clothes on instead of going out in my PJs.
As I was driving around sobbing and asking God why the heck I was going through this, I passed by a property near our house that has been entirely taken over by kudzu.
Kudzu has been called the "vine that ate the south". It's also been called various other expletives by the people around here who have had to deal with it on their properties, but all it really is is a climbing vine. It grows a foot a day and, when left unchecked, will grow out of control. And once its taken over, it is a long term project to get rid of it... And even once you do, you're back to the daily maintenance thing.
As I passed by this property, I had the revelation of how similar the kudzu is to the loneliness in my life. When I choose to wallow in it and isolate myself from the people reaching out to me, it is allowed to take over... And once it's taken over, it can be a fight to regain all the ground lost.
I eventually made it up to a room that our church has set up for us to be alone, and after my alone time, talked to Rebecca about it for a while. She informed me that there used to be a sign in that yard that said "Trust God" that the kudzu refused to grow over. A reminder that, when I'm trusting in God, nothing else can take over my heart except Him.
I went back today to take pictures, and the sign is no longer there, but I did still get some pretty awesome shots:
|View from across the way, at East Laporte|
Loneliness is not of God- it was brought into my life "illegally" and is not welcome.
And, it doesn't have to be a long term project. He's got big enough muscles to pull it out by the root and have it gone :)