"Middle age...

Is when your age starts to show around your middle." -Bob Hope

I've never been much of a fighter or arguer. I mean, I remember fighting with Ben, but that mostly included hitting him until Mom caught us. (I found out recently that Mom and Dad used to wish, and possibly encourage, Ben to hit me back, the theory being that if he hit me back, it would hurt, and I'd never hit him again. I don't remember if I outgrew it or if he hit me, all I know is we stopped.)

In high school and at YWAM, I didn't argue much... I have an opinion and it is generally fully formed in my brain (though not always... Which is a problem, because if I have to think about it, then that means that people have already moved on to another point before I have my ideas formed and out), but I don't like it at all. I don't like telling someone they're wrong, especially if they're my friend. And I don't like when they tell me I'm wrong.

And, I hate when people talk over me. Sometimes, people are so excited about their opinion that they just talk over everyone else in an effort to get theirs out.

Apparently, I live with some arguers. We got into a discussion tonight about when people are most attractive.

The point of this is not the argument. I was greatly amused by watching them all argue with each other, and actually enjoyed when I was able to state my opinion. (It only lasted about 30 seconds. But it was more than normal.)

I guess I've come to the conclusion that God gave us creative minds and thus the ability to debate and discuss. I have formed views on abortion, adoption, homosexuality, sex outside of marriage, and interacting with other religions; but to discuss said views with someone else brings in their own spin on it, which may or may not alter my views.

I think to become a good fighter is not to be able to argue your point to death, but to be able to argue your point in a way that gets it across to other people, without anyone being offended or feeling like their views aren't being heard.

Winning someone over to your side definitely helps, though.

"Before you know it,

A sense of God's wholeness, of everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:7, the Message)

I think every Christian has "that thing", "that person", "that" part of their past that made, or makes them, think about rejecting Christianity.

Mine was Grace Community Church (name changed for health, grace, and safety...). GCC was the first place my parents had felt accepted in a while, and honestly, I felt accepted there too- for a long time. Our entire family was involved in ministry, my parents had places of leadership, things seemed to fit together.

But there were a lot of disconnects... Places that I saw the leaders of GCC say they were moving in the Spirit, or things that they claimed were being done or heard from God, but weren't being blessed by God, or actually being done.

My family ended up hurt and escaping the whole situation, stopping only to lick our wounds before moving further away.

I rejected everything I had learned at GCC- speaking in tongues, the prophetic, healing ministry, hugs, receiving love, giving love. Everything in the world of the church I had grown up in, had ever been taught about ministry and the spiritual realm and the ways God works.

God, and His awesomeness and power and the things He can do, had become something to fear, not something to anticipate.

I struggled through YWAM as people prayed over me in tongues, encouraged me to discover my spiritual gifts, and seemed to ignore my hurts. I was still licking my wounds, and everyone was telling me to get over them- now, and fast.

I remember one time, specifically, when I felt attacked by those who were supposed to be my supporters. The teacher of the week had us in our small groups, and those who didn't have the gift of praying in tongues were supposed to be receiving prayer from those who did have said gift. Problem was, I didn't want it. I didn't want to touch it with a 22 1/2 foot pole, let alone think about letting it near me.

My small group was very receptive and tried to be compassionate towards the situation, but I still stood there with my arms folded across my chest as they prayed that my heart would get to the point where I could forgive and thus move in the gifts of the spirit.

I was recently at a ministry opportunity where we were in a large group, a corporate worship and prayer session. We were singing the chorus to this one song over and over again, something about being set free. I was standing there, for once actually worshiping instead of watching everyone else and wondering what I was "supposed" to be doing, and I remember thinking, "I am free."

I hadn't decided as I walked into that meeting that I wanted to speak in tongues, I hadn't planned to ask God for that, I did not choose to speak in tongues that evening. But as I stood there, in total peace with God, the words I was singing were no longer English. I caught a glimpse of the healing God had planned for me, the redemption He had waiting.

In the months that have passed since then, I haven't actively pursued that redemption, but I knew it was lurking. I meditated on Joel 2:25-26 ("Then, I will make up to you the years the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, my great army which I have sent among you. You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you; then my people will never be put to shame.") and prayed for the day when shame wouldn't be what ruled my days, but rather the peace and comfort of a loving church family, where I could be myself in my skin, instead of trying to fill the mold I felt placed in front of me.

And I still have my misconceptions and my concerns over the supernatural.

When I started attending our house church, 24/7 church, I had the same experience I've had with churches for the last 3 years- I can settle... After a long while. So I walk in and I check over my shoulder, am on guard for the whole time. After I've been somewhere for a couple meetings, if I like what's going on, I can generally settle down towards the end of a meeting- but I'm still anxious at the beginning.

That was the experience I was having at 24/7 church. I was feeling accepted, and I knew I was welcome. I knew that these were people I could trust, and I knew that they were following the spirit of God. But I didn't really buy that I would ever feel safe there.

This evening, however, I walked in and settled in. I didn't notice- not right away. But as we were worshiping, I journaled:

"Tonight has been one of the first times in years where I've walked into a "church" setting anxiety-free, without doubting if what I was going to find once inside was going to eat me alive. I'm sure that it is partially the people and the place... But I'm almost sure that it's partially me, simply being able to be somewhere, not constantly looking over my shoulder, double checking and super over analyzing. God's got my back, I just have to keep walking forward."

And then the teaching started. And beautiful words about the purpose of prophesy and church and their intended purposes, and our goals in relationships, and the meaning of scripture poured over my ears, and I fell back into old habits- I briefly considered bolting from the room. Although I don't know where I would have gone- we were in the mountains and there's no cell reception. Also, I'm the least wilderness-survival-preparedness-knowledgeable person there is, so there goes that.

I decided I'd wait it out and see how it went. And then we flipped in our Bibles to Joel 2:25-26.

And I settled.

God speaks to me through scripture, apparently, and I've seen this multiple times since my move to the mountains- in the Jeremiah 29:11 thing, and now in this.

I think because scripture is concrete- I can mark it up and come back to it later and it's exactly where it was before, saying exactly the same thing.

But it's also changing. Scripture can mean something totally different when I read it one time than it is another, based on my life circumstance or the teaching being paired with it.

It's like stars on a stormy night. Earlier, hannaHRose and I (eventually joined by Sarah) went out and laid in the driveway. There were only two stars (one of them might have been an airplane) but they were so beautiful. I might not have ever noticed those two stars on any other night, but tonight, because they were perfectly framed by the clouds and dark sky, they were the most beautiful stars I've ever seen.

I'm sick and a little foggy, still, but one thing I know is true:

I have lasted the night, come out of the desert having not just survived, but thrived.

It is a new day's dawn. And it was worth the fight.

"Dear children,

Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." -1 John 3:18

Or, as Jennakate put it, "If you don't have the love of God, you will love people the same way you love pizza."

Today, February 16, 2011, was the best day ever. I woke up this morning and told Jesus, "I'll do whatever you want to do today. Let's hang out." I had loose plans, but the rest of my day was open to Him.

So, I got dressed and drove over to the Hub to hang out with Kansas and her students. It's been a rough week there, but I was excited about going, and had this immense joy as I went over.

As I entered the building, the sense of rejection and longing was so strong it almost knocked me off my feet. I instantly doubted myself, the way I was feeling, the love of my God. As I walked down to her room, I was doing battle- but the warm weather, the smiling face awaiting me, and the fact that I had all my beads in my hands cheered me up immensely.

Talking to those girls is something that I wish I could do every second of every day. Not only are they just plain fun, my heart longs for them to not have to go through what I've gone through, for them to find the love and acceptance of Jesus before everywhere else they're searching for it. When it was time to go, I found myself hoping and planning on returning.

I don't often do spontaneity, nor do I do it well... And I definitely tend do not do things without a purpose. I knew I didn't have a lot of money to spend, but found myself turning into the Hospital Auxiliary parking lot anyway. After roaming around, I then moved on to Reach (which is kind of the lamest thrift store ever), and wound up at Sonic, mulling over the dollar menu. I was sitting in my car, enjoying my $3 lunch and chatting with Jesus, when the loudest car ever pulled up next to me. I glanced over to see that it was one of the loveliest roommates ever, hannaHRose. You know how sometimes you see people and you just have to smile? She's one of those. We'd been on opposite sides of the parking lot, sipping sweet tea and enjoying... Well, no company. We went our separate ways, and I moved on to the post office.

The House O' Bricks has this Dwight head-shaped stress ball that gets hidden all over the house; some people hide in places that are scary, while others hide it to be hidden for a long time.

Normally, it's hidden just for whoever.

Well, I don't remember how it started, but Kansas and I are in a feud... Which basically means we're picking on each other with the Dwight head.

He's appeared in a pair of shoes, a container of coffee, a bed... You don't ever really know where to expect.

Well, when I went to the post office, I knew I had a package. And I knew whoever sent said package had not paid the full postage. So, I was going to have to pay to receive this gift. Nevermind that it was $.07, it was the principal of the thing.

I opened the package and found Dwight staring at me... And laughed. For about 15 minutes straight. (Watch it, Kans- I'm gonna get you.)

At this point, my joy was at an all time high... It had just been a really good day.

I got home and was hanging out with hannaHRose when she ceased breathing and began to hug the computer. I waited patiently until she recovered, when she told me that Shaine Claiborne was going to be in Asheville tonight! At which point I might have started hyperventilating.

We both realized we HAD TO GO... And began to figure out how to get there.

We figured it out, and also figured out that we were going to see several friends- friends we don't see very often at all!

Shaine Claiborne was, of course, awesome. Among my favorites:

-"Jesus never talked to a prostitute because He didn't see a prostitute- He saw a woman, a child who He was madly in love with."
-"The gospel spreads not through force, but through fascination."
-"We didn't create Christianity in North America, we just domesticated it."
-"Jesus wasn't here to tear down religious institutions, but rather to build something that filled in the gaps they were leaving."

Dinner at Waffle House would have been the low point, if it hadn't been for the company. :)

On the drive home, I was trying to figure out why today was so good- I mean, yeah, some of the events were not average, but my mood and everything else was just GOOD for no reason. And I realized... I felt as though I was truly experiencing the love of God. I wasn't putting up my normal walls, I wasn't resisting Him every step of the way, I wasn't pushing away from it. I was just existing as He'd made me to do.

I had relinquished control.

It was beautiful.

"As Christians, the world doesn't expect us to be perfect, but they do expect us to be honest about our brokenness and our mistakes."

I am broken, worn down, exhausted, and unable to do this on my own. I screw up on a daily basis and I don't know what to do with my life- right now, I am "squandering my future" in the eyes of society. I am "doing nothing worthwhile with my life" and am "setting a bad example".

But if I was a busy college kid, I wouldn't be sitting back and watching what God's doing in my life, instead of trying so hard to do it on my own.

I think I've decided... I'm exactly where God wants me to be.

When troubles call, and your back's against the wall...

There's a lot to be learned, that wall could fall.
Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he'd punch a whole in a dam
No one could tell that ram, scram
He kept buttin' that dam
Because he had hi-igh hopes, way up in the sky-y hopes
He had apple pi-ie, in the sky-y hopes... -High Hopes by Frank Sinantra (???)

First- I had no idea that song was by Frank Sinatra. Strange...

Second, have you ever been around someone who is holding on to false hopes, even though they know it's irrational?

Sometimes it's hilarious... We're forecasted to get 1 to 3 inches of snow tonight. When Kans and I started taking our walk tonight, the snow had already started to stick to the grass and the road a little bit. When we got home, I looked at the radar- we are covered in this big blue blotch for the next 6 hours. And past that, because there's still blue above us when the 6 hours ends.

And yet, Kans is convinced that she is going to go to school tomorrow. She's headed to bed at her normal time in hopes that she'll have to get up, drink coffee, and go to school at a normal time tomorrow.

There's 1/2 an inch of snow already, and it's only been snowing a couple hours.

Sometimes, though, people's delusions suck. Like the fact that I still hope that magic money is going to appear for college, even as I budget and save money from every paycheck for it.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider also had delusions of grandeur (or of just making it up the water spout).

If Kans does go to school tomorrow, I'm going to feel badly for saying all this... However, when I wake up tomorrow morning and she is sitting in our living room drinking coffee and being cranky at some art project, I'm going to say "I told you so."

(Kans, that last paragraph may have been written expressly for you.)

"Either God isn't personal and I've wasted my time...

Or He is personal and He hates me." "There's a third option- God loves you, but shitty things still happen." -Angry Conversations with God by Susan E. Isaacs

I've been in the habit recently of saying that I'm engaged to Jesus. I know I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now because a.) the opportunity hasn't presented itself and b.) Jesus would tell me if I was supposed to be with someone. Especially who.

But if I was engaged to Jesus, He would have my whole heart. And the thing is, He doesn't.

It's like I've given Jesus all of my heart except this one tiny little black dot that is the no-Jesus zone. That is the dark, hidden corner where I like to hide and cry and pretend no one else exists.

Every so often, I let Jesus in for a little bit- but then I realize He's a horrible tenant. He tries to come in and fix the place up, but I like it a grungy nasty shithole- if it's cleaned up and repainted, I'll have to charge more for rent and pay attention to upkeep, and I'm not that dedicated. So I kick him to the curb (again) and pretend not to feel guilty as he walks down the sidewalk, dejected and kicking a soda can. And I vow to never let Him in again, because it's too much trouble and heartache, and it's longer and longer between when He comes looking for a room again.


I can't really be engaged to Jesus until I let Him have my whole heart- no little tiny dark bits hidden. And it's not worth it pretending that He does have it...

Also, Jesus is not a horrible tenant- I'm just a horrible landlord.

Integrity is built over years...

But lost in an instant. -Cameron Strang, Relevant Magazine Jan/Feb 2011

I'm not sure I've ever grasped what true, unconditional love is. People have tried to show me, and I've rejected it.

Until I moved to the mountains, that is.

Here, people expect me to tell them when I'm mad, instead of just pretending that it's okay. And they even still like me afterwards. When they ask a question, they expect to have it answered- honestly.

Its just one of the ways God has been showing me the beauty of life and the world that He's put me in. Where I can do ministry without being terrified because if I crash and burn, I can just get back up and do it again.

Because I wasn't able to go away with hannaHRose and Sarah this weekend, Kans made it her goal to make sure I was semi-happy and to do fun things with me. We lucked out in that it was a beautiful weekend, so we spent it trying to find fun and free things to do that were out of doors.

I've said it before, but I'm just starting to get to know Kans... Which is sad, but awesome at the same time, because it IS finally happening. We've started walking around campus together in the evenings under the guise of "exercise"... It is more of an excuse to get out of the house and talk. Which we did... For almost an hour and a half last night. Then today we packed up picnic lunches and went for a hike... Which ended up being more of a drive, but was an adventure anyway.

It was too sunny for me to be able to see the display on my camera, so I didn't know how my pictures turned out until I got home... But I learned today that I don't have to have a plan or be able to spend money in order to have fun. Roaming around Cashiers was awesome... (A fact that was compounded by the almost 70 degree weather and not getting carsick.)

I had a kind of overly protected childhood... Like, I don't think I've ever climbed a tree or jumped off of a swing. So as I waded across the creek, I could hear my mom's voice in my head, telling me I should turn back because I could slip or a rock could shift... And I ignored it. I realized, I am my own person, and I do not have to relive the stresses that my mother grew up with and raised me with. Stress is not meant to be a daily part of my life, but rather something I pity other people for having.

When I got home, I realized my pics were gorgeous.

God gave us this gorgeous world to live in, and we stay sheltered away in one little section of it, forgetting about all the beauty that exists right outside of our comfort zones.

At church tonight, I was fussing about not having a plan for my life... But the point is not that I'm waiting, but that God is waiting with me. Waiting is never as bad when you have company as it is when you're by yourself. When you have company, it can even be fun.

So, I may be stuck at this bus stop for a while, the train may be late, or the pilot is still snoozing because he got in late last night. But while I'm waiting, I can waltz with God, share a joke with Jesus, or just make a memory with my Savior.

I think it'll be worth it, in the end.

"Wouldn't it be simpler to use just one word?

It would certainly make more sense." "Nonsense." "Ridiculous." "Fantastic." "Absurd." "Bosh." They chorused, then continued. "We're not interested in making sense. Its not our job. Besides, one word is as good as another- so why not use them all?" -Norton Juster in The Phantom Tollbooth, pg. 40

This morning while at work, I was making that face where you seal your lips. You know, it puffs out your cheeks and your lips and it looks really funny? I then realized that if I filled my mouth with marbles, it would make my face do that... And make my mouth feel weird. I started thinking about what it would feel like to have little balls of cold glass (because marbles are always cold) shoved in between my gums and lips...

Then I moved on to what it would be like to have your lips sewn shut and to never be able to breathe out of them. Like, you would try, but your lips would just puff up and the air would get trapped. You'd never be able to blow out birthday candles, or sigh, or inhale sharply.

I didn't say anything to my co-workers, because I thought maybe these were not normal thoughts and I need to have my job, but when I got home I google image searched "mouth full of marbles". Apparently I'm not the only one who wonders about such things.

Also, I asked hannaHRose, and she said she wondered the same thing.

Not only was I suffering from childish instincts of wanting to put everything in my mouth today, I also rediscovered Schoolhouse Rock. My family had all the VHS movies- English, Math, Science, etc. I still remember most of the songs, and have been listening to them obsessively on youtube.

Schoolhouse Rock taught me several valuable lessons. Interplanet Janet taught me the order of the planets as they rotate around the sun; Where the Money Goes taught me why paying bills is important ("If I don't pay the mortgage/They'd take the house/And then where would we get our mail?); Three is a Magic Number taught me that having babies is magic (ok, not really the lesson the song intended, but that's what I got out of it); and Interjections! taught me about the correct use of exclamation points.

There are a lot of things in my childhood that got passed off as entertainment that are lessons I still remember; Schoolhouse Rock, of course, but Monopoly, Scrabble, and Boggle all taught me math and vocabulary skills, as well as bartering and how to argue my point. (And, often, how to lose.)

We had a video game that was supposed to teach me how to get along with my brother... However, all I learned from that one was how to hurt him without my Mom being able to tell.

I think that some of those things must've driven my parents nuts, but they were able to see the long-term value...

I hereby vow to not disallow my kids from watching or participating in something simply because I don't like it.

Also, I may use them as an excuse to watch Schoolhouse Rock and Lizzie McGuire again.